Well, have you ever watched Supernatural and thought ‘Hey! What this show needs is a whiny, irrational, stereotypical Sue clinging onto Dean Winchester for no reason other than the Suethor thinks he’s hot?’ Then this fic is for you.
This is our first spork but it felt like forever to finish it (ok, so Rebelle and I also have lives and projects to contend with and couldn’t always easily do a chapter. But mostly, it just felt long. Sucks to be me with a 95 chapter Harry Potter fic to do.)
Anyway, onto the counts! This fic was good for dipping our feet in, as Opposites Attract and The Gryffindor Misfit have at least double the counts.But each time I add a point to a count, I still want to do a shot of bleach. Goddess save us all.
WOE IS ME
We’re supposed to believe that life is really hard for our heroine. However, we don’t believe that because we get shown that she’s a prissy little snit who everyone pampers to after knowing her for five minutes. She does nothing remotely hard in this fic at all, because she either doesn’t want to or someone else does it for her. Like Bella, there’s no effort involved at all.
The suethor clearly thinks this word means something it doesn’t. The definition of smirk is ‘smile in an irritatingly smug, conceited, or silly way.’
Smug, conceited and silly. Well, those words sum up our characters perfectly. So every time they think they’re oh so witty and smirk, we’ll add a point.
NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS!
This is our OOC count and as you can probably guess, it mostly applies to Dean. No fear though, every canon character is twisted in some fashion at some point and you can bet we’ll brutally tally them up.
INSTANT HUNTER, JUST ADD WATER
The real Bella is a wet hen who is usually only concerned about others if it affects her in some way. In Eclipse she dithers about using a rock to save the day but then doesn’t actually do anything. The Suethor clearly recognised this was no good for the violent world of monsters and hunters and so makes Bella Dean’s perfect match and even better than the boys themselves at sniffing out clues and piecing together facts.
We know it’s bull, just roll with it.
I’M SUCH A GOOD GIRL
You’d swear Smeyer herself wrote this fic. Bella is pure, virginal and would never do anything so dirty and unclean as consider sex with someone for fun. Never done drugs, had a beer or been to a party. I’m sure there are girls out there who haven’t done these things before they’re 18 but they’re probably a hell of a lot less preachy about it.
DUDE, YOU’RE NOT IN THIS SCENE!
Bella butts in. This should be pretty obvious but it’s annoying and sometimes she has really dumb reasons to be in a scene that feel like the author was reaching just to have Bella fit in.
We all love Dean. He’s a bit of a player and enjoys his sex life to the fullest. However, he is respectful to women, considerate and in no way resembles somebody who picks up women on the side of the road and then leaves their corpses in a ditch.
Oh wait, no, that’s what we’ve got in this fic. Halp.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER
As normal with Sues they have to one up everybody. Canon characters, love interests or love rivals, they’re not picky.
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING
Well, at least this Bella is canon. Every word out of her mouth is usually a thinly veiled insult or snide comment. But of course, it’s usually disguised as concern or humour. We see through that shit.
SO LONG, LOST LENORE
Jess was the love of Sam’s life. No matter what you ship in the show, you have to admit that the first cut is the deepest and her death affects him years after he leaves the burning apartment with Dean.
But fuck that nonsense. Bella’s pain of losing her ‘best friend’ takes centre stage and the guilt-ridden mess that Sam is for most of season 1 is non-existent.
But hey, Bella clearly needs more attention having lost a girl she knew for a day. No, really. A DAY.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH
With the internet at your fingertips, you really should be able to go check out tiny little details just to give your story accuracy and an air of legitimacy. It’s very obvious when you do not.
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD
Sometimes the Twihard just comes out of nowhere and smacks you in the face. Other times you really question if Smeyer is writing this. So for every time this fic reeks of Twilight we give it a point (or six. It’s bad, you guys.)
Awkward young girl goes to college? Check. Is ‘offbeat’ and super smart? Check. Meets a strange and mysterious guy under weird circumstances? Check. Hijinks and banter abound? Check. Really, this thing is made of cliches.
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY
This is one of those fics where the fantasy part comes through loud and clear. Sure, we all write about things we like. Sometimes we put our characters in situations we’d like to experience: a great romance, daring adventure, magical worlds. But then there’s the Mary Sue part of that fantasy. And it’s ugly.
DUMBASS QUOTA REACHED
They’re idiots. I really have nothing more to say about this.