Here it is, the seven chapter fic that basically massacres my favourite TV show. You ready?
No, neither are we.
Chapter 1 – Bella is a bitch. Are you sure this isn’t Twilight?
“Mom, for the last time, I will be okay.” I sighed. “What could possibly happen?”
You see, my mother was one of those people who worried about everything and nearly everyone. Don’t get me wrong, that is not a bad thing AT ALL, but when it’s something we’ve gone over 23 times already, it can get slightly annoying.
Rebelle Scribe: So, it’s not a bad thing to be worried and fussed over constantly until the OOC decides that it is. Pft, pick one or the other.
Wayward Lady: It’s all for the Sue. God forbid she has a normal parent that acts like everyone else. First count!
WOE IS ME: 1
For any whining, pouting or acting like she has it so hard.
CLICHE STORM: 2
She’s worrying about me going to college. Stanford, actually. Of course, a normal parent will be genuinely concerned for their offspring with a healthy dose of pride, but nope. Just concern. I suppose that will have to do.
Rebelle Scribe: So, concern from a ‘normal’ parent is acceptable but concern from the character’s parent is unacceptable?
Wayward Lady: She’s such a special snowflake, doncha know. This is where she acts like Bella. You know, in Twilight where she was all ‘my mom is my best friend’ and then proceeded to act annoyed by everything her mother did?
CLICHÉ STORM: 3
WOE IS ME: 2
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 2
This count is for anything that sets off the Twilight alarm bells. Writing, glaring errors, characters, anything that mimics the not so great Smeyer.
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 2
We all know Bella in canon is a bitch on wheels, who everyone fawns over and thinks she’s as pure as the driven snow. Well, no, she’s a cow and even in fanfiction, her natural cattiness shines through. Usually for dissing anyone under a guise of ‘concern.’
“What could possibly happen?!” She screeched. “Plenty, Bella! You are a beautiful young lady and these are college boys, sweetie. So, one plus one equals…?”
I roll my eyes. I knew that she wanted me to rape, but, being the smartass I was, I said, “Two.” And of course, my signature smirk was present.
Rebelle Scribe: ‘I knew she wanted me to rape’? Two words: Proof. Read.
Wayward Lady: There are like three different counts we have to introduce from those two sentences alone.
WRITING ERRORS: 2
CLICHE STORM: 5
SMIRK, SNERK: 2
(for it being ‘signature’. Man, you’re going to be a douchebag, aren’t you?)
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM?: 1
Wayward Lady: All of which should be obvious. Smirk is this author’s version of Smeyer’s ‘chagrin.’ The last count is for anybody going on how stunning the Sue is. Usually by the Sue herself, but I get the feeling we’re going to see a lot of it from other people too.
Rebelle Scribe: Not only is she a smartass, she has a ‘signature smirk’. Kill me now.
Wayward Lady: It’s like Edward’s signature rapey look.
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY: 1
“Lord, Bella! You and that damned smirk! You also know what I mean! Nothing good could come of this. Maybe you should wait until you’re an adult. I’d feel better than.” Her eyes lit up, thinking this would solve all of her problems. As if this was all about her.
SMIRK, SNERK: 3
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 3
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 4
I’m adding a Bitchiness count because we don’t have one for every time Bella is a raging hypocrite/attention whore/forgets other people’s pain in favour of her own drama.
Rebelle: The next couple of lines make it clear that the character’s mother is turning the experience of her daughter going to college into an event which is all about her, rather than about her daughter’s achievement, indicating that the Suethor’s stance that this is CLEARLY ALL ABOUT ME, ME, ME. Parents never get upset when their children leave home (potentially) forever. Nope, nope, nope.
Wayward Lady: Does this need a WOE IS ME count?
And just because she’s attractive isn’t an automatic guarantee she’s going to get raped! Rape is about power and opportunity. This sentence is just trying to hammer it in that Bella is oh so stunning.
Rebelle Scribe: ‘She’s worried because of boys and my looks.’ Suethor paints the mother as a pathetic loser, overly concerned by everything, but ensures her OOC agrees with the fact that yep, she’s hot, so boys will want to rape her. What the flipping fuck? Good lord, how did this character function up until this point? What about high school? Has she never met a human male before?
Wayward Lady: Hmm, given some of the cringey ‘pick up lines’ Dean comes out with later, I’m going to say no.
Before she was even done talking, my head was moving from the right to the left. “No. It wouldn’t matter what age I was, Mom. I’d look the same. They don’t care about the age or consequence, they care about the experience. That’s it. I am going to the airport tomorrow whether you like it or not. I will be getting on that plane and I will be taking pre-law courses in four days in CALIFORNIA. You know that really big state right next to this one!” I was done. I turned on my heel and ran to my room to finish packing.
WOE IS ME: 3
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 4
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 6
And again. I’m inclined to agree with your mother though: by that little tantrum, I suspect you are so not mature enough for this.
Oh, look, canon!Bella, demanding she get her way and everyone caving instantly, despite how illogical it might be.
I know she is worried because of boys and my looks. I will be honest, if not vain, that I’m not bad on the eyes. I am 5’9″ with very long, tanned legs. My eyes are a deep chocolate brown that, in some lights, look almost gold. I have hair that reaches down to my waist and is a lovely mahogany color.
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM?: 7
Wayward Lady: Giving that section 6 points. We get the customary Sue description to boot.
Rebelle: I am so gorgeous and tempting, men fall at my feet, is essentially what’s happening here. I want to be sick. Weeell, at least she knows where California is?
Wayward Lady: Excellent. Doesn’t save her from this though.
WRITING ERRORS: 3
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY: 3
CLICHE STORM: 6
After several hours, I hear my mother’s light footsteps ascending the steep stairs that lead straight to my room. There was a timid knock on my door.
I sigh, knowing the sobbing was about to commence. “Come in!”
My door slowly creaks open and Mom’s dark haired head pops through the gap between the door and the doorjamb. “Can we talk?”
Looking at her, I notice that her eyes are rimmed with red. I feel slightly guilty, but I have to stand strong for what I want. “Of course.”
Wayward Lady: Oh God, Canon!Bella again! You made your mother cry and you feel only slightly guilty about it?
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 8
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 6
Bonus points for dismissing her conscience in favour of what she wants.
The rest of her body squeezes through the doorway, seemingly afraid of opening my door any wider. She slowly creeps toward my bed and wordlessly asks if she can sit on it.
Waving my hand, I say, “Mom. Sit wherever you want to. I’m not going to bite.” I chuckle quietly.
WOE IS ME: 4
Wayward Lady: Well, I see this Bella cares about other people as little as Smeyer’s version does.
Rebelle: ‘I won’t bite – evil chuckle – you already have.’ Well, that’s a piss poor attempt at foreshadowing if ever I saw one.
Wayward Lady: This one has the ego of Bella too.
She mutters something that sounds suspiciously like, “You already have.” As she sits down, she starts to pick at her cuticles, a horrible habit she has only just picked up.
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 9
CEILING BELLA IS JUDGING YOU. God, can you not be a cow about every little thing?
Also, yeah, Sue-mom is fighting back! Bella, you actually upset your mom when you pull shit like that. Trust me, been there, done that, gotten earache from all the screaming.
“Bella. I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a little overbearing, but you’re my baby. My only baby. You are the only thing that I am really proud of in my life. I am genuinely honored to be your mother, Bella. It has been completely unfair to you that, after pushing you so hard to do great work in school, I am discouraging you from going to one of the best colleges in the country. Early admission, too!” She pauses here to wipe away the tears that are starting to leak out of her eyes. “I’m so proud of you, Bella. Truly. I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter than you.”
Rebelle: I’m beginning to wonder whether the mother character is a mother at all, and not a slave created by the evil Suethor’s OOC. ‘I’m honoured to be your mother/I couldn’t have asked for a better daughter than you’ BARF. Sounds obsessive and crazy to me.
Wayward Lady: This needs a count. Any gushing over the sue at all will be added, even if it’s not about how gorgeous she is.
Also, lady, your daughter is a BITCH. Be glad she’s going and do something useful with her room!
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM?: 8
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY: 4
CLICHÉ STORM: 7
By this point, I was in tears. Not sad ones, but also not happy ones. I think they were more just from pre emotion that needed an outlet to express itself. I full on smile, no smirk at all. “Thanks, Mom. You have no idea what this means to me.”
Rebelle: ‘pre-emotion that needed an outlet to express itself.’ What, dare I ask, are pre-emotion tears?
Wayward Lady: Man, this writing is bad. Also, fuck knows.
She breathes what seems to be a sigh of relief and smiles. “Can I help you pack? Her eyes were alight with hope.
Weighing the pros and the cons in my mind, I realize that I want her to help me pack my belongings. It would mean to me that she will really support this. “Yeah, Mom. You can start packing up my books.” I point to the large, oak bookcase I have residing in the back corner of my room.
Rebelle: ‘You can start packing my books’ What did I tell you? Mommy-dearest is a slave to the evil cuckoo child.
“Are you taking all of them?” I can tell from her tone of voice that she’s now worried. She probably thinks that I won’t come back if I take them all.
Wayward Lady: For bookworms that is a legit concern. But we also don’t let other people reshelve/organise/pack/unpack our books.
I laugh it off. “As if I could fit all of them in a dorm room.”
Another genuine smiles shines on my face when I notice that she seems happy. “That’s good, Bella. Then, when you come back, you’ll have some things to read or do.” Needing to be reassured, she asks, “You will be coming back, right?”
Wayward Lady: Pfft, lol, no she won’t. First sign of two hot guys and she packs up and fucks off without so much as a message about where she’s going.
I nod. “Of course, I will be. During the holidays, and I’ll even visit Charlie.”
Charlie is my dad. Police Chief of Forks, Washington. Never heard of it? Yeah, if I hadn’t been born there, I wouldn’t have known it either.
BITCH IN SHEEP’S CLOTHING: 10
She smiles, “Great!” She looks around the room and then at her watch. “Oh, Bella! It’s almost one in the morning!”
Wayward Lady: Hang on, did they actually pack anything? Because from the way the scene is written they had their talk and the next minute it’s late and Bella has to go to bed.
Though I really shouldn’t question time lapses given how the rest of the fic goes.
“Shit!” I hadn’t realized how late it had gotten. I had to get at five o’ clock to be at the airport, check in, and board by 6:35 in the morning. “I have to go to bed. I’ll see you in the daylight hours.” I kissed her on the cheek. “I love you.”
Rebelle: Also, people do not seriously say ‘daylight hours’. I hope this isn’t yet more clumsy foreshadowing for what I think it is.
Wayward Lady: People who read too much Stephenie Meyer do. Purple prose alert.
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 7
“Goodnight, sweetie. I love you too.” Kissing me on the forehead, she turns and leaves the room.
Quickly getting my pajamas on, I jump in bed and try to calm my racing heart.
I smile. I know that Stanford is the best thing for me right now. I just knew that it will be one of the best choices of my life.
CLICHE STORM: 8
Rebelle: ‘I just knew it will be one of the best choices’ Pick. A. Tense. It can be any tense, just pick one and stick with it!
Wayward Lady: I think the real Sam and Dean would leave this chick strung up somewhere to be ghoul food.
Rebelle: One can only hope…