We’ve all read a Hogwarts American Transfer Student fic at some time in our lives.
The question is, does a good fic exist?
Well, keep looking. You’re not going to find it here.
I’d love, just for once, to find an actual American witch fic. One about the Wizarding community in the US and how they’re affected by the war and Voldemort’s return. Instead we get…well, this.
I took some good sporking advice and did not attempt this for my first spork. Or my second. Or even my third. It’s my fourth and hell, I’m still not ready.
Rebelle Scribe was so not ready that she ran away waving a copy of Harry Potter and a cross at this fic.
So for the most part I’m taking this on alone, with her help for the worst of the worst, the Sue cherry on the cake, the crème de la creepy.
COMMA, WHAT’S A COMMA?
When the Suethor forgets the Oxford comma is actually very useful.
WOE IS ME
Any time life is oh so hard for our heroine for the sake of ANGST.
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY
From hooking up with Draco Malfoy to shiny trinkets, the Sue gets it all
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM TODAY?
Any gushing descriptions of the Sue, either in narration or by other characters. Includes any gushing about her characters, traits that she supposedly has or gets randomly praised for not much at all.
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER
This sue has a habit of being better than canon characters at pretty much anything. But despite the fact that she has no flaws the suethor insists ‘Oh God, she’s not a Sue, she just seems that way.’ Sure.
Canon characters twisted OOC for the sake of the Sue.
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH
Self explanatory. Internet. It’s right there. You can find out anything.
IT’S MY CANON AND I’LL CRY IF I WANT TO
Tantrums or acting as if she should get her own way. Added points if canon characters are vilified for protesting it for perfectly valid reasons.
THE CHOSEN SUE
Examples of SUPER SPESHULNESS.
I do not need to explain this one. The only way Ariana and Anya are different are that Anya is American and not related to Sirius.
For every cliché fanfiction Sue plot line that happens, we get to add to this count. Oh yay.
The suethor is a Twilight fan. Sometimes, it’s obvious.
I READ IT IN THE DAILY PLOT
Your typical suethor read-a-headness.
GINNY WEASLEY WILL KICK YOUR ASS
I’m just gonna add to this count when it’s mentioned that Anya is small/petite/etc or when she really does deserve a bat bogey hex from Ginny. Which will probably be a lot. This bitch pisses me off.
Does what it says on the tin.
VIOLENCE REALLY IS THE ANSWER
Clearly the Suethor is trying to invoke a spitfire Ginny/Katniss/Rainbow Dash type of character. Unfortunately for us, she fails and we have to deal with a miserable little cow who uses violence and threats to get what she wants.
DUDE, YOU’RE NOT IN THIS SCENE
Any time she’s in a canon scene when she steals the show from the main characters, despite the fact this series is called ‘Harry Potter’ not ‘dumbass little Sue.’ And sometimes she is shoehorned in with a crowbar, despite how jarringly she doesn’t fit.
DEEP AND MEANINGFUL DREAMS
Except, unlike Harry, she has no reason for them other than they’re a cliché fanfiction device. And obviously she has to be speshul and figure stuff out due to her magical dreams.
FAITH, TRUST, PIXIE DUST
Dumbledore twinkles. That’s the only description of him we ever get.
AH DO BELIEVE AH HAVE A CASE A’ DA VAPOURS!
She passes out frequently. Usually for the Suethor to get out of writing climactic/action scenes (which she’s not very good at anyway.)
THIS ISN’T THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT, SWEETIE
She skips between book and movie canon and damn, is it annoying.
WE BAND OF BUGGERED
Remember that scene in Mystery Men, where William H. Gacy gives a rousing speech to get the reluctant, inexperienced superheroes to step up and save the world, all while using a metaphor about an egg salad sandwich?
I’d much rather be watching that because for some reason Anya gives trite, bland little speeches to motivate the canon characters. They’re stupid as hell and only serve the purpose of Anya being the ‘heart’ of the group. Which she fails at. Drastically. Because she doesn’t have one.
I’d like to point out that this list isn’t complete. This list was compiled while I read the first two sections. We haven’t even started the romance counts yet.
Send help and muffins.