Chapter 3
Or how to kill all canon characterisation dead.
And so it begins. Or, more accurately, it all goes downhill from here.
Last time on ‘How to ruin a TV show with Twilight’ – OH WAIT. I don’t have to tell you because she puts very helpful and annoying ‘flashbacks’ like we’re actually on a TV show.
Stanford, California (Sam and Jess’ apartment)
I feel much better when I hear Sam say, “Dean?” At least someone knows him.
“Hey, Sammy. I see you’re having yourself a little party, huh?” Looking up at ‘Dean’, I see his green eyes staring at me. I shiver, I don’t really like the way he was looking at me. As if I was something to eat.
Then he opens his mouth and I want to punch him right then. “Hey, sweet cheeks. I bet I could take you for a ride better than Sammy any day.” His voice is seductive, deep and gravelly. But what he said made me almost hate him.
I was pissed. He was so going to get it.“Excuse me?” My voice was incredulous. “Who in the HELL do you think you are talking to? Certainly not me I hope. Because you and your ‘ride’ will NOT be getting anywhere near me. EVER.”
Rebelle Scribe: Again with the inconsistent tenses. It’s sloppy.
Wayward Lady: And we’re off. Ugh. I need something stronger than summer fruits squash.
WRITING ERRORS: 8
The look on his face was priceless. I suppose he was just so used to getting who and what he wanted without difficulty. Well, he has another thing coming, because I will not be one of his conquests. It just will not happen. I have not saved my v-card to give it to some slob like him.
Rebelle Scribe: Also – there is no way that Dean would say that to a woman in his brother’s apartment. They also don’t tend to compete for girls – it’s just not their thing. And the dialogue is awkward at best…
Wayward Lady: Yeah, I don’t think I have ever seen the boys compete for a girl. Or even go for the same girl, actually. The only time a girl came between them was Ruby and that was a whole different story.
I knew that he was going to piss me off even more when he slowly started to smirk. “Well, sweet cheeks, I should let you know before you inevitably give in. The ride is a little rocky, but oh so pleasurable.” He smiles like the cat that got the canary.
Before I knew what happened, I was standing up and my hand stung. When my vision refocused, I saw that Dean’s head was tilted to the side and his right cheek was red with a petite-sized handprint. I had slapped him. I’ve never slapped anyone before. But then again, no one has ever pissed like Dean has.
Rebelle Scribe: Also ‘petite-sized’? Petite means small. You wouldn’t say small sized handprint because the word ‘sized’ is redundant. The ‘I had slapped him’ is equally unnecessary – it’s bleeding obvious! And ‘no one has ever pissed as Dean has’? Is he some kind of urination champion?
Wayward Lady: I am oh so tempted to add a ‘beautiful’ count. That sounds very ‘I’m so feminine and delicate’ to temper the ‘me strong woman, you misogynist.’ Doing it wrong, Suethor.
I’M SUCH A GOOD GIRL: 2
RAPEY MUCH: 3
NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS!: 7
WRITING ERRORS: 9
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY: 9
DUMBASS QUOTA REACHED: 2
Wayward Lady: Also ‘the ride is a little rocky?’ Have you ever had sex, Suethor? That does not sound sexy!
Ah. High school. So no. ~smirks~
“Oh my God, you go Bella!” Jess’ laughing voice brought me out of my reverie. I turn around and look at her. “That was amazing! I don’t think anyone; any girl anyway, would’ve done that. You have some balls!” Jess was laughing so hard, that she almost started to snort.
Rebelle Scribe: Jess’ comment about Bella having the balls to do what no woman has ever done is another example of the Sue-ish nature of the character (and might be over-egging it for Bella). She’s beautiful and feisty enough to make her more appealing that all other women, but not too feisty as to make her ‘one of the lads’ and nullify said appeal.
Wayward Lady: Agreed. And furthermore I don’t think either Sam or Jess would be pleased with her slapping Dean. Sam wouldn’t like anybody attacking his brother and Jess seems hideously out of character here. Two points.
NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS!: 9
As if I was in shock, I started to laugh like a maniac as well. I never thought that I had a vicious bone in my body. I have never thought about even laying a hand on anyone like this before.
“Well, I suppose I deserved that.” Dean’s voice immediately sobered me up.
Looking back at him, I see that he is watching me with those green eyes of his. There was no longer a joking light in his eyes, but now there was a very intense look that replaced it. It shook me to my core. He looked no older than 30, if that, but the look in his eyes showed me that he has seen things that I couldn’t even dream of
ANYTHING YOU CAN DO I CAN DO BETTER: 2
Wayward Lady: That one gets a point for the exact reasons Viridian stated above. Also, cray cray Supernatural fangirl bitching incoming.
NO OLDER THAN THIRTY?! DEAN IS 26 IN SEASON ONE. YOU CAN GOOGLE IT FOR CHRISSAKES, IT DOESN’T TAKE THAT LONG (ok, so I knew that without having to Google it but I’m insane. Don’t mind me.) FUCK UP TWILIGHT ALL YOU WANT BUT YOU GET SUPERNATURAL TRIVIA WRONG, I WILL GUT YOU.
I’m done. I swear. For now…
DID NOT DO THE RESEARCH: 1
“If you haven’t already guessed, Bella, Jess, this is my brother, Dean.” Sam gestured to me, then Jess, and finally, Dean. “And as I know you know, he is a bit of an asshole. Pretentious and the like.” Sam smiled and laughed, a really deep belly laugh, at his own joke.
Never mind. I’m not done. FFS.
NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS!: 10
Wayward Lady: Oh hahaha, my ribs hurt. Sam, you’re the one that sounds like a pretentious asshole right now.
“Yeah, Sammy, laugh it up. While that didn’t go well, it’s not the first time that I was rejected, nor was it the first time that I was slapped. You know that better than anybody. And I came here about family business, can we talk in private?” Dean seemed anxious. Like something was really bothering him. Although, I don’t know why I was really worried or why it concerned me, but I just worry about people in general. Just with him a little less so, because he is a pretentious asshole.
WRITING ERRORS: 10
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 17
CLICHÉ STORM: 16
Rebelle Scribe: Bella worries about people in general? Yet another way in which her Sueness rears its head! She worries for people she dislikes! What a saint.
Wayward Lady: Which brings me to the second count for this paragraph. ‘I worry about people! I’m beautiful and selfless! Love me, hot stranger!’ This is telling, not showing. Something Meyer is very good at and is also very bad writing.
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM TODAY?: 16
What is both annoying and kind of satisfying is that she cannot write the good, brave selfless characters as they are in canon. They come off as assholes. Sam is pretentious and vacuous instead of clever and kind. Dean is a rapey douchebag instead of charming and brave. Jess is a Valley girl only there to kiss Bella’s ass.
But Bella, who in canon is the most self-absorbed, greediest piece of shit to walk the Earth hiding behind a selfless, caring façade, is perfectly in character. I don’t think the Suethor meant to do that. But she has and it’s very jarring.
Sam looks at Jess and then at me. His face hardens and he says, “You can say whatever you need to in front of Jess and Bella.” Sam looks toward Dean when all he hears is silence. “Well? What is so important that it couldn’t wait until the daylight hours, Dean?” His voice was telling us just how annoyed he was with this late night drop in.
“Dad hasn’t been home in a few days.” Dean’s face states that this should mean something to Sam.
“So he’s working overtime on a Miller Time shift. He’ll stumble back in sooner or later.” Sam says sarcastically. This seems like a conversation that he and Dean have had more than once before.
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 19 – 2 POINTS (one for daylight hours, one for telling not showing.)
Rebelle Scribe: I’m also questioning why Jess is completely left out of this interaction with Dean. Jess is the love of Sam’s life, and Dean is the bane of it. Their reunion is fraught and it’s only when their missing father is mentioned that Sam really pays attention.
Wayward Lady: Agreed. Sam includes Jess because she is the love of his life. He’s planning on marrying her, for Christ’s sake. But Bella is insignificant. They’ve been friends a day. Maybe if the Suethor had written more time in-between them meeting and Dean showing up, this would be more believable. But in typical Suethor fashion, they just want the love interest to show up. Never mind fleshing out your story and giving characters believable relationships and personalities! No, let’s jump right to where the hot guy shows up.
Rebelle Scribe: As far as he knows, she may not even be human.
“Okay, let me rephrase that.” Dean looks down and then looks back up. “Dad’s on a hunting trip. And he hasn’t been home in a few days.”
DUDE, YOU’RE NOT IN THIS SCENE: 2
Rebelle Scribe: Also that’s not sarcasm.
Wayward Lady: She’s not human. She’s a Sue.
The expression on Sam’s face changed drastically. This clearly meant something to him. Maybe his dad was taken down by a bear or something like that. Maybe his phone died. A number of reasons flashed through my head, because I wanted to help and reassure them. Sam mostly.
Rebelle Scribe: ‘I wanted to help and reassure him.’ Stop laying it on so thick! We get it; you’re perfect and have a deep seated need to help everyone.
Wayward Lady: The Suethor seems determined to beat us around the head with this ‘selfless, concerned Bella’ crap. And that’s what it is. Crap.
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM TODAY?: 17
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 20
“If you’ll excuse us, Jess and Bella. We’re just going to step out to discuss this. It’s not the first time this has happened before, but certainly for not this long.” Sam sounded almost defeated. Like he knew that something was terribly wrong.
“Yeah, that’s fine; Bella and I will be up here, probably having a cup of coffee. I think this is going to be a long day for all of us.” Jess seemed to be the voice of reason here, and we all just seemed to naturally listen to her without question.
Sam and Dean walked out of the apartment while Jess and I headed into the kitchen to turn on the pot of coffee.
Rebelle Scribe: Spelling! Tenses!
WRITING ERRORS: 11
“What do you think that was all about, Jess? They seem really worried about their dad. Has Sam ever talked to you about something like this before? He said this wasn’t the first time.” I don’t know why I was so worried, but I just met all of them just today. I mean, it kind of feel like a lifetime because Jess and I just clicked together.
Wayward Lady: Stop telling us you’re bffs, we don’t believe you!
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 21
CLICHÉ STORM: 17
After twenty minutes, Sam stomps through the door with Dean following him. “C’mon, Sammy. Just one last time. I can’t do this without you. I can’t go alone.” Dean sounded like he was almost…pleading.
“Fine! Dean! I’ll go!” Sam says exasperatedly. In a whirlwind, Sam walks into the bedroom with Jess following, leaving Dean and I alone.
Dean looks over to me and says, “You know, I like you. No other girl has really ever done that before. Slapped me before.”
Rebelle Scribe: Oh for fucks sake. Dean doesn’t tell girls he’s just met that he likes them. And if these badly executed come-ons count as interest, then Dean has definitely been slapped by girls he’s been interested in before. This is just the Suethor trying to make Bella SPECIALSPECIAL.
RAPEY MUCH?: 4
CLICHÉ STORM: 18
I felt guilty. He said that it wasn’t the first time he was slapped! “I thought you said you were slapped before.”
“Yeah, but not by a girl I was interested in.” Dean laughed.
“Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never done that before. Ever. To anybody. I think that you just got so far under my skin that I just had to slap you.” I start laughing at my own joke.
Dean lets out a big belly laugh. “I think I just have that effect on people. I believe it’s both a blessing and a curse. People don’t like me, but when I want people to like me, they don’t. A vicious cycle really.”
Rebelle Scribe: How is getting under people’s skin a blessing and a curse? ‘People don’t like me, but when I want people to like me, they don’t.’ Suethor seems to lack a basic understanding of what constitutes a vicious cycle.
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM?: 18
CLICHÉ STORM: 19
I laugh. I hope he was joking, but I knew deep down that he wasn’t. He just seemed like a tortured soul. Beneath all of the macho man, he was just as vulnerable as any other guy. I also think that we will be okay. I may still be a little mad at him, but that’s okay, I can forgive him.
“Let’s go, Dean. I need to be back by Monday.” Sam said, walking past us.
The smirk was on Dean’s face again and the moment was gone.
SMIRK, SNERK: 6
HAVE I MENTIONED HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM?: 19
LIVE FREE OR TWIHARD: 22
CLICHÉ STORM: 20
IT’S ALL PART OF MY MARY SUE FANTASY: 10
Wayward Lady: This scene in the show is very serious. Sam’s life has been tipped upside down by the reappearance of his brother and the life he left behind. Their Dad is missing and the brothers’ relationship is very tense and distant at this point. But fuck that, let’s laugh at Dean getting shot down and slapped by a girl. They wouldn’t be giggling about this so much if Dean had hit Bella. This reeks of double standards.
Rebelle Scribe: And oh Jesus, she’s breaking out the ‘broken soul that only I can fix’ spiel. In the Sue universe, macho men who act like arseholes towards women are actually all really great guys who have just been hurt before, and it takes that perfect woman to fix them again. Newsflash: if it looks like bullshit and smells like bullshit, it’s probably bullshit.
Wayward Lady: This is what Smeyer started and E.L. James has continued. This is the type of amateur writers you’re breeding, ladies. And for that, almost more than anything, is why I hate you both.
The Monster At The End Of This Fic 